Realization: I do not know how to live with my heart in one place.

Will I ever want anything that I can actually have? Clearly, I’m not the one to answer this question, but I do hope that time might answer it for me, and I hope that it’s in the affirmative.

I’m uncertain whether the above statements are cause for alarm or a simple opportunity to look in the mirror and undertake a calm reckoning. This is not, after all, the first time that I’ve suspected that for me, happiness will always mean yearning for something that lingers on the periphery, flashing white teeth and bounding smilingly, just out of reach.


16 thoughts on “Dysfunctions

  1. That is what I have defined as “ambition”, love. The only advice I can give you is to not let it saturation EVERY aspect of your life. Romance, particularly. 😀

  2. people are innately discontent beings. the moment you realize you will never be happy, because you will always want to change your conditions, is also the moment of liberation from the captivity of desire.

  3. … wow. Way to go all zen on me, Ksenia! I like, however consider this: isn’t in the captivity of desire somewhere rather pleasant–or at the very least interesting–to be? 😉

    And Bethany… yeah. (sigh). I won’t let it saturate every aspect of my life–particularly romance. But for now I long, because I simply can’t have. And I’m pretty sure I want. Silly. 😛

  4. …only if we can also realize that it is fleeting. “this too, shall pass.” personally, this kind of idea helps me appreciate things much more in the moment..because everything is so temporary.

  5. I think thinking things are temporary frees us from obligation, when in reality many things cannot be appreciated unless we devote ourselves to them permanently.

  6. hmm…but i think part of the point is that permanence is an illusion. everything dies, or ends. and so when we attach ourselves to things that will invariably disappoint us, we set ourselves up for a painful demise. very hard to break away from this, of course. thus we have the innate pain and suffering of the human condition.

    i love how we are having a little discussion about zen thoughts! woo!

  7. I think you’re both right: no matter how much you’d like to believe that they shan’t, most things DO disintegrate. It seems to me that the only answer is to take a scoop of wisdom from Bethany and devote oneself entirely to the here, the now, and the idea of whatever that thing is existing in the foreseeable future without outright auguring its evanescence, but understanding (as KZenia counsels) that it could crumble without much in the way of notice. This renders you free to fully partake of an experience and appreciate it–perhaps more–for knowing that it may not always be around.

    And seriously! Teh Zenz! ZOMG! I haz the longest run on sentence EVAR!

    … I’m sorry. I just had to take this conversation back a few steps from an abyss of any sort of depth. 🙂

  8. i like it> committing to the noncommittable. or something like that.

    also, don’t you mean wimmynz?

    another also, i’m eating some raspberry wholesoy yogurt right now. and knowing how much you like the yogurtz, caitlin, and remaining aware of your temporary vegan diet, am wondering if you have ventured into the soy yogurt lands before? they have just released a yogurt/frozen yogurt/ice-cream line based on coconut milk! wonderfully delicious.

  9. In fact…I didn’t mean wimmynz, but perhaps I should have!

    No, Ksenia, I’ve never tried soy yogurt! HAH! Maybe that ought to be this weekend’s resolution? I’m hitting up Trader Joe’s on Saturday morning, anywho, so I’ll be sure to sample some. I do LOVE me some soy ice cream, though. Holy. God. I can destroy soy ice cream. Coconut milk ice cream sounds heavenly too, though! Eee! Being as I’ll be vegan for a while (I’m now on round 2 of anti-parasitic drugs because they think I still HAVE the giardia. Ugh) I’ll have to venture into that fine new territory! I’ll let you know how it goes.

    P.S. Where is YOUR blog?

  10. I think it’s about contentment. You have it for such brief moments in your life, but isn’t it the greatest feeling? It’s what we’re always longing for, and it’s ever-changing, so we will probably never ever achieve absolute contentment. But it’s so nice to enjoy the moments.

  11. Mmm. Jenn enters and poses as The Voice of Reason. I do adore thee, madam. I’ll take this moment to be content, snuggle in bed, and pretend that we don’t have to go to work tomorrow (but still be thrilled I have a job! Or I think I do. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, right? Yippee!). (:

  12. Oh my God… I need that ice cream!

    And girl, what? You won’t hand over the URL? Maybe knowing I’ll be policing the ranks might inspire you to update? 🙂

  13. The closing quote at my heavenly yoga class last night echoed your thoughts: The artist is constantly dissatisfied-it is the constant quest for more that helps us march forward.

    We might just always be looking for more, pushing ourselves harder, farther away from what we thought we wanted the day before. Because if we didn’t do that, we might be conservative republicans that just accept the status quo 🙂

  14. I am about to go all RomCom on all of you. *braces herself* There is the intangible – such as love – that never ceases to exist. It doesn’t matter if the one or the thing you love passes away, as long as you are alive (and likely after, if you’re not the only one that loved it), you will still have your share of that. It’s up to no one else and nothing can make you relinquish it. And frankly, if you’re not going to love anything to that degree. What is the point?
    *ducks as large red, junior high school dodge balls come undoubtedly barreling towards my head*

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