I’m embarrassed to confide here what a horrible citizen I’ve been for the past week. I am a big fat thundercloud of alternate woe and rage. It takes little to set me off, and much to reestablish emotional equilibrium. I think I’ve been happy for about 27.3 minutes over the past 72 hours. I thought I could blame it all on the tides and being residually off kilter from high dose antibiotics meant to knock my wee parasitic epidemic straight between the eyes. I feared that, like a crazy dramatic bitch I don’t want to be, my hormones were finally getting the best of me. And then I realized! it’s not that at all!…or, well, not that only.
Here. I give you equation:
No bread + no refined starches + no sugar + no chocolate + no cheese, milk or yogurt + no affection + no sex = now I am CERTAIN that single vegan ladies with a personal embargo on sugar and casual sex must be miserable–always.
So, Caitlin, why not just have the cookie, you ask? Why not just snarfle down that hunk of chocolate? Why oughtn’t you slather your body in yogurt then slide on under the nearest heifer, poise your tender young digits around an udder and get to squeezin’? Oh ho ho ho, my friends! Ho ho, indeed! (serious face). No reason. I mean… I could have the cookie. And what would happen? Oh, nothing. Nothing… Except fire would rain from the sky. And flames would shoot from the ground. The angels, tenderly picking ‘pon their golden harps, would tumble from the heavens and the oceans would rid themselves of all sea life, casting whales as far inland as Kentucky and spewing tiny, clickity crabs deep into parts of Ohio that have never seen a crustacean outside a can. And the ground would turn to lava. LAVA! Did I mention that? And I would simply sit in my own pile of gastric woe and shame, wishing for a swift death or at least an airtight hole into which I might sink.
No big deal.
Really, lack of sugar and carbs is making me even crazier and more latently dramatic than usual, to say nothing of the wrath. I’d like to go all Godzilla on some small village right now. Got any shit you want destroyed? Any eyes you need blackened? Any cities you need razed or strongolds to be plundered? Any takers? Any? None at all? No? Fine. You know? You’re all pussies, anyway.