Anxiety.

Dear Blogosphere:

Tonight I began looking at graduate schools and I am afraid. I doubt that I have what it takes to attain a doctorate. Have I been laboring under a silly little delusion of my own intellectual capability for this long, and have others just entertained my accidental pretension?
The words ORAL EXAMS, PROSPECTUS, DUAL LANGUAGE READING PROFICIENCY, 650 ON MATH GRE make me want to throw up.

Oh good holy God. No.

I am looking at my immediate future and I am also afraid. Too many choices. There are TOO MANY CHOICES. GIVE ME THE CHOCOLATE OR THE VANILLA AND TAKE AWAY YOUR TUTTI FRUTTI BUTTER RUM BULLSHIT WITH RED CURRANT SAUCE AND TOASTED MARZIPAN TOPPING! *protracted panting*
Do I bust my ass to teach private school for a year (providing I secure a job)? Do I go work at Fathom for a year, which would be comforting and great and probably help me pay off my loans? Do I try to stay in Spain for another year (not like I’d get to see Greg if I were in the States, anyway, and the people I care about are all scattered far and wide)? Do I say “screw it all” and go to something else totally off the wall for a year, like move to Seattle and work as a professional cat groomer? CAN I HANDLE THAT MANY CLAWS!?

Fuck this. I’m going to bed where I can wrap myself up in my green comforter, much like this:

Man, I miss my Gemma and Flora. As soon as I get home, priority #1 will be sticking each of them in my sweatshirt just like that and kissing their little noses.

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3 thoughts on “Anxiety.

  1. Silly worrying. 😛 When you articulate yourself better than 98% of the population, I doubt very seriously that your academic performance could be vastly different. Remind me again though what you study!

  2. Bethany! What in hell is your WordPress blog’s URL? I can’t seem to get to it because I am that comptarded. Would you be so kind as to post me the link? I’d like to add it to the blog roll so that I can resultingly cruise it more often. 🙂

    And no–I do not know of your Fulbright Fate (though that you’ve labeled it “Fate” rather than “Glory” worries me a little). As you can see I’ve been barelybarelybarely updating lately for a lot of reasons–mostly being ridiculously busy.

    POST ME THE LINK AND WE SHALL PARLAY!

    Oh! And I stud(ied) English Literature–18th & early 19th century English Literature (think Samuel Johnson and Jane Austen). I think, however, I want to be a writing teacher, not a lit teacher. The problem is deciding, and decide I must!

  3. http://myspacearchive.wordpress.com is my special little place. All questions will be answered, all revelations will be … revealed. Here I was thinking you’d “heard” all my witty observations!
    Funny story; true story! Choosing classes for fall quarter my frosh year at UCSC, I imagined I’d have the dedication to study Ancient Greek and do Classical Lit. Well, I took the first Greek class and laughed myself to sleep. What a romantic little IB dork, I was. *wipes tear*

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